


Lotus Fields

by kandaxxx



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:54:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24905647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kandaxxx/pseuds/kandaxxx
Summary: Kanda wakes up in Mater to find that the God he's always hated has given him a gift: Alma is alive. Kanda had found the peace he never thought he'd get when he was able to properly say goodbye to Alma, so now, will he be able to reforge his friendship?
Relationships: Kanda Yuu/Alma Karma
Comments: 27
Kudos: 35





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at summaries, so basically, this is just my thought on what would happen if Alma were alive after Allen sends them to Mater.

_f a m i l i a r ❀ s k i e s_

  


The process of awakening had been slow, and while his eyelids had been too heavy to open immediately, he could feel a gentle breeze against the bare skin of his shoulders but something warm in his arms. Startled by it, the man forced himself to peel his eyes open as much as he could.

His gasp was so soft that it was almost inaudible, but it had been there. Resting against the crook of his neck was a mess of deep eggplant-colored hair. But the most shocking part was that he could feel the rhythmic warmth of a steady breath hitting his collarbone. The body in his arms was alive?

"Al...ma?" His voice was raspy and his throat hurt. His brows furrowed when he realized that he hadn't healed completely yet, which was strange. Kanda wasn't sure how long he had been asleep for, but based on the stiffness in his joints and gravel in his head, it had been long enough that he _should_ have been healed by now.

He took a deep breath to settle his nerves before slacking his arms so that the body he held fell back away from him, just enough that he could get a better look but maintain his sturdy grip on him. 

Eyes the color of a summer's clear sky studied the body he held. It was Alma. His Alma. Alive. Human-looking. Sleeping.

How had this happened?

Had the God he had hated so much, for so long, finally taken pity on him? 

His stomach clenched nervously. "Alma?" He tried again, distantly pleased that his voice was steadier this time. Alma didn't respond, but the steady rise and fall of his chest was all the confirmation that Kanda had needed.

He bit back his smile before pulling Alma close to him once more, taking an indulgent moment to just revel in the feeling of getting to hold Alma's warm body against his own. It wasn't something he ever thought he'd get to experience in this lifetime, only in the dreams that haunted him worse than any of his nightmares had.

But alas, with a heavy sigh he realized that he couldn't dwell on any of this for too much longer. He needed to get up and find food and water. He needed the strength and the swordsman, well, ex-swordsman, imagined that Alma would need the nourishment as well. Mustering up more gentleness than he had ever used in his entire life, he was careful as he laid Alma down into the sand. He didn't particularly like the idea of leaving Alma alone, but as he stood his legs shook like that of a newborn calf and he had come to the bitter realization that he wouldn't be able to carry him, not yet anyways.

Mater was a land so uninhabitable that he wasn't even sure if there would be a source of food or water anywhere nearby. But Lala's partner, a human, had lived here for all of his life, so there was hope.

But after what felt like an endless eternity, he returned to Alma with no more than a burning ache in his legs and an increasingly violent throbbing in his skull. Coming back empty-handed only served to make him frustrated and amplify the ache in his head.

Upon his return, he found Alma to be sitting up, staring at the sky through a hole in the roof, face scrunched in what Kanda regarded as some vile mix of pain and confusion. When Kanda murmured his name, Alma's head whipped towards him and his eyes widened in surprise. "Yu?" Even if his name was only one short syllable, his voice managed to crack like glass with it, making it readily apparent that he was just as damaged as Kanda. "Am I alive?" He asked, his voice quivering like a plucked string.

Kanda only nodded, taken aback by the way his heart did a stutterstep at the sound of the other’s voice.

"Why?" Kanda saw tears glitter in his eyes as he whispered the question so low that he almost missed it. 

Almost.

Kanda, eloquent as ever, only shrugged his shoulders.

Alma leaned forward so that his head rested against the knees he had pulled tight against his chest. His sobs then were so heavy that they rocked his lithe frame almost violently. Kanda stood there, his lips tugging into a frown, as he shifted nervously from foot to foot. He was nervous because he didn't know what to do. An emotional outburst like this should have irritated Kanda, but now, it didn't. It only made his chest ache with something he couldn't name but was all too familiar with.

He closed his eyes for a moment and imagined how anybody else would have reacted. Almost everybody that he knew would have joined Alma at his side and held him until the sobs quieted, and then they would have whispered reassurances. He had seen it often enough. 

But his legs wouldn't budge. He was frozen to the spot. 

"Yu?" He was snapped from his thoughts to find that Alma had managed to soothe his cries himself, for the most part, and now was staring at him with an intensity that shot straight up his spine.

"We should get out of here. We need to find food and water." Kanda looked away then, staring intently on a spider that crawled past his feet. He was well aware that while he wasn't wrong, he was only using it as an excuse; he didn't want to talk about anything right now. Emotionally, he was exhausted. He had let loose and confronted more emotions in the past few hours than he had in his entire life. "Can you walk?" 

Alma found himself annoyed, but he bit his tongue for now; Yu's change in mood was something he should have anticipated. But he had liked the softened Yu that he had gotten to experience after that other kid had turned into a Noah. It wasn't a side of Yu that he had gotten to see before and despite not having been present for the last nine years, he was confident in saying that before this fateful day, nobody had gotten to see this side of Yu before. But Yu's foul, nasty mood, was something he recognized more, even if it wasn't his favorite. Even when Yu had relented into being friends with him before he began to go psychotic with his memories, he had been a sulking pessimist of a boy. It should have been no surprise that he grew up just to be a sulking pessimist of a man. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." He muttered before using what little strength his legs had to try to push himself up.

His eyes widened and his face flushed and he struggled to hold back his grin; he hadn't made it up, stumbling almost immediately. But Yu moved almost impossibly fast to catch him. It wouldn't have been a bad fall, as he had been so close to the ground to begin with, but that softer Yu was still there and he had unintentionally tricked it into coming back out. They locked eyes, and Yu's face immediately took a pinkness to it that he had never seen there before too quickly averting his eyes. 

Alma couldn't hold back the snicker that left his lips in response to seeing Yu get embarrassed, which only got worse when he was then unceremoniously shoved onto the ground in response with some annoyed grumbling to accompany it.

"Huh. I obviously didn't get a chance to change much. You did have that chance and managed not to change at all." 

"You're still a freak." Yu muttered before holding his hand out, still very obviously avoiding eye contact. "Just get up already." 

Alma took his hand and he pulled him up, forcing himself to remain steady and gentle. Alma was in significantly worse shape than he was, he realized, so he instinctively positioned himself so that the other could sling an arm over his shoulders. He wrapped a sturdy arm around the other’s waist and held on to him as they walked. 

Neither spoke until Kanda had led them out of the underground shelter Allen had dropped them in. Alma had stopped walking suddenly and was just staring up at the sky. Kanda was going to ask Alma what he was staring at, but the memory collided with him like a freight train. 

_What reflected in my eyes...was that vast, blue sky. A vibrant blue...stretching endlessly._

Their battle after Wisely had awoken him with Kanda's memories had been his first time stepping foot out of the Order. And of course, he had been so busy with their ensuing battle, that he hadn't had a moment to take stock of it.

Kanda's first time truly seeing the sky had been after he had slain Alma. But it had been familiar to him in a strange, aching way.

Was it familiar to Alma as well?

He couldn't bring himself to ask.

They walked as long as they could, their bodies eventually being overwhelmed by sheer exhaustion. The Sun beat against their skin with a violent hatred that was enough to make Kanda's weakened state give out and succumb to the desire to seek shelter for the night. His stomach was twisting with a hunger so ferocious that he wondered if this is what the stupid moyashi felt all the time, a thought that made him laugh humorlessly.

Kanda fell into a restless sleep the second they had sat down, the pair having found shelter in the form of a tree in a woods that skirted the town of Mater. 

Alma's bones ached with an exhaustion so fierce that he should have fallen unconscious as Yu had, but his nerves were vibrating too intensely for him to do so. He had so many questions that he hadn't been able to find a voice to ask. The only knowledge of the outside world he had had been the things he had read in the books Edgar and the others had given him. He had never actually seen any of it before. They were sitting against a tree, that much he remembered. But it's surface was hard and scratchy and he wanted to know why, especially when the leaves up above their heads looked smooth and softer.

But looking up at the leaves only brought his eyes to the sky that he could only see pieces of. It had been a lighter blue when they had started their trek. He knew that the sky would grow as dark as Yu's hair and the moon would come out, but he didn't understand what it was doing now; now it was some idyllic smearing of oranges and purples, with faint twinkles of stars not quite bright enough to poke all the way through yet.

He didn't know what it was or why it was happening.

But yes, the sky had been familiar to him.


	2. Simple Luxuries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda and Alma begin their journey together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There's nothing more  
> to the story.
> 
> When we met  
> he looked like forever  
> & I swore I'd love him  
> slow as summer.
> 
> It's been August   
> ever since.”
> 
> — Amanda Torroni

_s i m p l e ❀ l u x u r i e s_

  
Kanda had awoken to the Sun bright overhead. It surprised him that he had managed to sleep all the way through the night. 

But even with the way his back and neck ached from having slept for an entire night sitting against a tree, it had been the sleep he had needed. His body had healed as much as it was going to. He studied himself for a moment: the fine lines that had resulted from his body crumbling like smashed marble had all but vanished, though much to his surprise, a few stayed behind in the form of reddish, raised lines of flesh. _Scars?_ He peeked a glance at his tattoo and saw the black tendrils now extended to his elbow and down the side of his ribcage and then everything clicked for him. _Ah. I did use too much of my life-force._

He was startled from his revelation at the sound of rustling. When he looked up, eyes still marginally rounded, he found Alma standing with a sheepish grin on his face. Alma. 

"I found a canal. Come, Yu." Alma held his hand out and Kanda grabbed it like a lifeline as he let himself be pulled up, the pins and needles stabbing rapidly through his stiff legs like some of Bookman's acupuncture. 

With his hand in Alma's, he followed the other silently and found himself almost grinning when he heard the sound of running water. 

He blinked when he saw the source. "It's a stream." When he turned his head and caught Alma's confused stare, he shook his head. "You called it a canal earlier. It's a stream." He explained quietly, letting go of Alma's hand to approach it.

He missed Alma's frustrated blush as he stepped right into it and knelt down. He cupped his hands into it and began to drink with a vigor that could only be explained by days worth of dehydration. Sure, dehydration wasn't a real problem for him, not with the seal. He was positive that the thirst and dryness in his mouth was the result of his own imagination, not used to going this long without basic human necessities, but that realization wasn't enough to stop him from his actions.

When he had enough water in him to make his stomach feel full and sloshy, he cupped some more and poured it over his head before wiping it aggressively over his skin. While he had never been neurotic, he did always like the feeling of being clean. And until he had knelt into the stream, he hadn't noticed how grimy and sticky he had felt.

After he had slain Alma, he had been so desperate to get the blood off of him, that he had screamed and screamed until the nurses bathed him. And he screamed and screamed when they didn’t scrub him hard enough. He screamed and screamed until his skin was red and raw and _clean_.

His desire to clean himself off wasn't quite as aggressive as it had been on that day nine years ago, but getting clean now was satisfying all the same.

Alma had gone silent in watching the other. Yu, seemingly so deep in his reverie that he appeared to forget that he wasn't alone, stood suddenly to strip himself of his boots and the scraps of fabric that had been his pants, whipping them into the grass so he could scrub at the rest of his body.

Alma couldn't help it and the laugh that had suddenly begun to bubble in his chest leaked out of his mouth until it was so violent that he had to hug his arms around himself as it shook through him. It was just so absurd; his surly jerk of a friend, Yu, all grown up, standing stark naked in a stream in the woods bathing and cursing to himself.

"What?" Yu barked out, his voice the beacon Alma needed to snap out of it.

But it started right back up when Alma realized that Yu was glaring at him now, skin red from his bath, though his face seemed to be a different type of red. Yu, his surly jerk of a friend, all grown up, standing stark naked in a stream in the woods bathing and glaring and growling at him while blushing.

"What is so damned funny?" The way he yelled it was so reminiscent of their younger selves that Alma found his heart skipping a beat with it. But he didn't have a chance to respond before Yu was in front of him and suddenly yanking him forward by the hand until he twisted and fell, landing on his bottom in the stream. "You need to clean up too, idiot."

While the action forced his laughter to die down, his smile couldn't be taken quite so easily. He grinned to himself as he copied Yu's earlier movements and used his hands and the cool water to wash away the dirt and blood and grim that their battle had left all over him.

"We'll have to find you clothing somewhere." Kanda explained with his back to Alma as he pulled his pants up over his legs before sitting down in the grass to tie his boots up. His wet hair clung to his naked back but he knew that without a towel, comb, and hair tie, he was forced to leave it there to let the sun dry it out. 

"Where?" Alma asked curiously, dumping the water cupped in his hands over his head. 

"No clue." Kanda's sigh was annoyed, but he turned to Alma with a smirk that Alma hadn't been familiar with. "But villagers won't appreciate you walking into their town naked."

"So what do we do?" Kanda caught the way that Alma's brows furrowed and then his smirk softened some. When they were kids, Alma had always been the smarter and more knowledgeable of the two; his lust for life and thirst for knowledge had led him to read as much as he could. He had always been the one to have to explain things to Kanda.

_There's a guy called "Winter" in the outside world, and he's the one who freezes everything!_

Imagine Kanda's surprise upon meeting General Winters and finding out that he had nothing to do with acclimate weather.

Okay, so Alma was _generally_ the smarter of the two. 

But now, Kanda had to fill that role. Alma had never seen life outside of the Order. And while many would be quick to call Kanda sheltered, he had experienced so much more than Alma had.

"We'll stay in the woods for the day and search out the nearest town. When night comes, we'll steal what we have to." Kanda decided then. Nobody would be quick to call him smart, sure, but he was damned good when it came to surviving. "For now, we should find some food." He knew that they didn't need food the same way that humans did, but hunger gnawed at him viciously enough to remind him that his body still craved it for fuel. 

Without Mugen, hunting proved to be more difficult, but nowhere near impossible. He still had his speed and his agility. He used both to capture a rabbit. Alma closed his eyes and turned his head when Kanda snapped its neck and went about the task of skinning it with no more than the nails of his deft fingers. 

Alma did finally peek his eyes open when Kanda grabbed some twigs and stones and somehow made a fire from them. He would have complained about Yu killing the rabbit as it had been cute and when he had first seen it his first instincts were to pet it, not slaughter it, but hunger was also twisting his stomach enough that he was able to keep his mouth shut for the time being.

Once Kanda finished cooking it, he realized that he was hungry enough that sharing seemed like torture to him. He didn't like to share his food to begin with. He remembered the way he stabbed a chopstick at Lavi's fingers for trying to steal a piece of tempura from his tray once. 

But he was taking care of Alma. So he gave him the other half of the meat. It was dry and tough and seasonless, but both men devoured it in seconds.

When they finished, they both just began walking again. The pregnant silence grew awkward, but neither knew how to fill out. Kanda had expected Alma to blather on about this or that, but he hadn't. His silence was unnerving and for once in his life, he found himself wishing that the other would talk. But he couldn't think of anything to say to start up a conversation. 

Alma would occasionally point to something and ask what it was. Kanda would answer. And the silence that had woven itself like a blanket would tuck them back in.

When night finally fell, they left the woods.

There was a cottage at the edge of the woods. Kanda, with experienced grace, climbed in through a rear window after scoping it out. Alma followed suit.

Alma gasped from behind Kanda when the other's body had gone rigid, both of them zeroing in on the woman sitting in a chair that rocked back and forth from her spot in front of the hearth where a fire shone bright and true and warm.

“You’re not here to hurt me, are you?” She looked up from the ball of yarn and needles in her wrinkled hands, only one side of her face visible in the dim light from the hearth.

“No.” Kanda answered, a scowl tugging at his lips. He had scouted the cottage out beforehand and it had _sounded_ empty. 

“We just uh,” Alma poked his head over Kanda’s shoulder. “We need clothes.” He smiled sheepishly.

“It appears so.” She smiled and Alma felt Yu’s shoulders tense under his hands. He didn’t understand what about a little elderly woman could put Yu on guard like this.

They both watched, Kanda apprehensively and Alma curiously, as she slowly stood and carefully set her knitting supplied down on her chair before reaching for a twisted branch that she used as a cane and walked right past them and disappeared into another room.

“Yu, what’s the matter?” Alma whispered.

“We have to be careful.” Kanda hissed out, and turned his head so that he was face to face with Alma to glare nigen swords at him. “This isn’t the Order. There’s danger everywhere.”

“But it’s just a little oldー”

“And do you know for sure that she isn’t going to transform into an akuma and attack us?” His tongue whipped the words like a snake at Alma. “I don’t have Mugen anymore. But you can never trust anybody.” He brought his fingers up to pinch at the bridge of his nose while he tried to calm himself. Of course Alma wouldn’t know about this.

They didn’t have time to continue their argument as the old woman returned with a mountain of fabric folded neatly over her arm. 

“These belonged to my late husband, so I’m afraid they won’t fit you exactly, but it’s all I’ve got.” She explained as she held it out. She turned her back to them politely while they dressed then. It was obvious that her late husband was a man of stockier and shorter build than either of them, but the clothes were clean and tear-free, so they would make do. 

“We don’t have any money.” Kanda said suddenly, both surprising Alma and earning an amused smile from the old woman.

“I didn’t think so. But you’re too pretty for me to leave stranded.” She answered with a cackle and a sly wink.

Kanda sneered at the comment, but Alma’s smile went soft, albeit, a little amused. He didn’t have a lot to compare it to, but Yu was really pretty looking. And based on his response, he imagined that Yu had heard similar comments regularly. “Listen here, you old baー”

Alma placed his palm over the other’s mouth and grinned wide. “Thank you for the clothing, miss!”

“You’re very welcome. Now, I have some soup I could heat back up. Would either of you be interested?”

They sat together at the small table she had led them to and wolfed down the soup they had been given like feral animals. Unlike their rabbit earlier, this was seasoned nicely. It wasn’t soba, but even Kanda couldn’t find a reason to complain. Kanda focused on his meal, tuning out the noise around him. Alma listened, genuinely interested, while the woman who eventually had introduced herself as Margaret, told stories of her life with her husband, who he felt honestly saddened to learn had passed away only a few months prior. They had had two sons, both of which had moved across the country for work and family, and while they visited as often as they could, she was left alone in her cottage more often than not.

They retired for the night, at Margaret’s insistence, in the rooms that had once belonged to her sons. 

Kanda, while still on alert for dangerous, uncharacteristically nervous which he realized was due to Mugen’s absence, found himself relieved when he settled into the small bed. By no means had he ever been spoiled, but sleeping on a real mattress was a luxury he had never truly appreciated until his past few days with Alma. 

He was just drifting off into sleep, fatigue taking him under quickly, when he felt weight on the side of the bed. He startled up, scrambling so that his back was pressed against the wall, ready to fight the intruder.

“Yu, it’s me.” Alma’s voice was soft and Kanda didn’t need a light to know that Alma was frowning. He could hear it in his voice.

“Sorry.” He grumbled as he crossed his arms over his bare chest. “What is it?”

“I can’t sleep.” Alma admitted, gnawing on his bottom lip. Without seeking any form of permission from Kanda, he lifted the thin blanket and climbed underneath it and stretched his body out.

Alma had never liked sleeping alone, Kanda remembered with a sigh. He ran an exasperated hand through his bangs before climbing back under the blanket, the warmth from Alma’s body radiating and making goosebumps rise on his arms and shoulders. 

“Tell me what I missed.” Alma whispered.

Kanda paused. Alma had missed a lot. Nine years. _Because of him_ , he remembered bitterly. Even if Alma was alive now, it didn’t do much to ease the guilt that his actions had pressed into his chest so heavily that he constantly found it hard to breathe. 

He didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to sleep so that he could have a clear head in the morning so he could figure out what they were going to do now. What would they do now? They were finally free...sort of. There was no shadow of a doubt in his head that if the Order caught wind that they were alive, they would be hunted like dogs. 

But he owed Alma for a lot. If Alma wanted him to talk, he owed it to him to try. 

Where to start?

After Alma’s death, Kanda was locked in a medical ward, strapped to a bed where he did nothing but writhe and scream for months. His vision was tinted with the red of Alma’s blood for so long that he feared that it would be permanent. 

There was no use in mentioning that.

“There’s a General Exorcist, Tiedoll.” Kanda started when Alma settled his head on his chest, wrapping an arm around Kanda’s lithe waist. Kanda began to tell him of his time with Tiedoll, the way the looney old man liked to paint pictures and taught him about rain and animals and history and the towns they were in and eventually, killing akuma. His story ended up side-tracking often, as Alma was an endless vault of questions that he answered as best as he could.

“That dog?” Alma asked through a yawn. “Describe it to me.”

He had been telling Alma of the first time he saw a dog. It was a memory, he thought now, that he could look back on fondly. There were so few of those memories. He, Tiedoll, and Marie had been somewhere in Croatia. They had stopped in a small village to eat lunch. A stray dog had approached them. Kanda had been quick to brandish Mugen and try to slice the monster. Tiedoll had laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and explained to him what a dog was. Tiedoll had then lifted his hand to rest it instead on the dog’s head, earning what appeared to be a grin from the dog. And with Tiedoll’s encouragement, he pet the dog.

“His body was covered in black fur, and it was soft.” _Like your hair_. His hand froze. He hadn’t realized that he had been combing his fingers through Alma’s hair. He felt his face heat up as he turned his head to face the wall on the side opposite to where Alma was curled against him. “It licked my hand then. It was gross and slimy.” His face scrunched at the memory, but he also remembered that he had liked the dog. It had been warm and soft. It had been the first thing he had encountered that hadn’t filled him with dread, fear, or rage.

"I want to see a dog." Alma murmured before finally drifting off to sleep. 

_Then I'll find one for you._ Kanda promised inwardly before sighing and letting his own eyes close. He wasn’t far behind Alma and fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I have absolutely no idea where this story is going, but it's been so fun to write thusfar! I hope you enjoy it. As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated!!


	3. Discovery & Hatred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alma sees the world for the first time. Kanda's buried emotions spill over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here, have some A N G S T

_d i s c o v e r y && h a t r e d_

  
The following morning, Kanda was awoken by the thin stream of light filtering into the room from between old lace curtains. The first thing that he noticed was that he was cold. When he peeled his eyes open, he found he was alone in bed.

He washed up in the bathroom that branched off of the room he had borrowed for the night and eventually found Alma at the table with the old woman, eating the simple breakfast that she had prepared for them. 

After they ate their breakfast, Margaret gave them each a bag and bid them a farewell. Alma promised to visit again if they were able to. Kanda gave her a curt nod.

Outside of the cottage, he rifled through the bags. Clothing, medical supplies, snacks, and even some money. Alma was rambling on about what a nice lady she had been and how he hoped he would have a chance to see her again, and Kanda only nodded in agreement. The ex-Exorcist found that he was actually grateful to the crazy old bat. 

“Where are we going to go?” Alma asked as they entered the village.

“I’m not sure yet. But we need to keep moving.” Kanda answered. He had planned to continue walking when he was stopped by a hand on his upper arm. “Alma?” When he turned his head, he saw Alma staring with wide eyes at a horse that was pulling a carriage. “It’s a horse.” He answered simply.

Their day continued on like that. They walked. Alma pointed at things in confusion or blatantly asked _what is that?_ and Kanda answered. 

Kanda quickly grew annoyed with the constant need to explain simple things; it was like dealing with an irritating child. But then he remembered that he was basically dealing with a child as Alma had never experienced the world outside of the Order. And that he had done the same thing when he had first left the Asian Branch’s Sixth Institute, though he hadn’t been as loud and obnoxious about it.

_Something cool dropped onto the crown of his head and he whipped around and looked up towards the sky. Another cool drop landed on his cheek then. And another on his forehead. Soon, these droplets wouldn’t stop coming._

_He hissed and pulled Mugen free from its sheath on his hip and began to slash at the droplets from the sky._

_“Yu!” Tiedoll placed a firm hand on his shoulder, twisting away when he almost caught Mugen’s blade in his side. “It’s rain.” He said, as though that answered everything._

_“Rain?” Kanda blinked and looked up to Tiedoll, who seemed to be ignoring the mysterious droplets that were landing all over him._

_More and more of them came until Kanda found his jacket completely soaked and clinging uncomfortably to his skin._

_“Rain. It’s just water, like when you take a bath.” Tiedoll started, dropping his hand from Kanda’s shoulder and sitting on the ground next to him. He pulled off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt, a fruitless movement Kanda noticed, as they got wet the second he put them back onto his face._

_“Where is it coming from?” Kanda asked then, still gripping Mugen tightly though he no longer swung it._

_“See those clouds?” Tiedoll pointed up at the gray clouds in the sky. He knew what clouds were. Tiedoll had explained those yesterday. When he nodded, his General continued. “They pour water out to nourish the Earth. That, with the sunlight to follow, is like food for the grass and the flowers and the trees. It might feel strange getting wet with your clothes on, and it might be cold sometimes, but it won’t hurt you.”_

_Tiedoll stood suddenly and Kanda reluctantly resheathed his weapon. Daisya sauntered over and knelt down and grabbed his comrade by the hands before he could protest and spun them around with enough force that Kanda’s feet lifted from the ground._

_“Put me down you crazy bastard!” Kanda shouted as he struggled against Daisya’s grip._

_Tiedoll threw his head back and laughed like a lunatic at the sight of his apprentices twirling together in the rain. “You can even dance in it!” He said a little louder before Daisya spun Kanda once more._

Nine years, Kanda remembered. Tiedoll had explained the world outside of the Order to Kanda. Alma had had none of that for the past nine years. He hadn’t been given an opportunity to leave the grounds of the Black Order’s Asian Branch Sixth Institute. That opportunity had been taken away from him when Kanda mercilessly murdered him in order to save his own life just so he could find the person that haunted his past selfs’ memories.

He killed the person he had been looking for.

His vision suddenly filled with lotus flowers and blood. The flowers were floating in the stream of the red liquid. Alma’s blood-curdling screams were all he could hear.

He only faintly heard Alma shouting his name. He only vaguely felt Alma’s hands clamp down around each of his wrists.

He snapped out of it. He found that he had bent forward with his hands over his ears, having tried uselessly to muffle the screams in his head.

“Yu!” 

“Alma.” He murmured. When Alma wrapped his arms over the other’s shoulders and pulled him into his chest, he was surprised when the embrace was returned. Not only returned, but desperately so. Yu’s arms came around his middle so tightly that he struggled to breathe. But he wasn’t going to complain. He rested his cheek atop Yu’s head and rubbed his back in steady circles.

He didn’t know what had happened to Yu just now, but the look in his eyes had spoken volumes. It made him think of the nights that Yu would startle awake as a child, with that crazed, terror-filled look in his eyes before he realized that what he had seen had only been a nightmare.

To say that the last few days had been an emotional rollercoaster for Kanda would have been an understatement. And burying his emotions deep down where they couldn’t bother him or be visible to anybody else was a skill that Kanda had carefully honed.

But like his body had after his battle with Alma, his tether on his emotions were breaking.

He couldn’t stop the tears he felt racing down his cheeks and he couldn’t bring himself to let go of Alma, as if he feared that his best friend would disappear the moment he let go.

“Alma, I’m sorry.” He murmured as he took in a sharp breath and buried his face into the crook of the other’s neck.

“It’s okay, Yu.” Alma kept a firm grip on the other but led him into some nearby trees, so that they could speak without being ogled or interrupted by passersby. “I like when you hug me.” He said as cheerfully as he could, completely misunderstanding his friend’s apology.

Kanda shoved him away and glared at him, using the heel of his hands to wipe at his eyes. “Not for that, idiot.” He growled, his eyes hot with the emotions that swirled through them. “I’m sorry for fucking killing you.” His eyes widened in sync with Alma’s, surprised at the way it had just dumped out of him like that.

Anger had always been his security blanket. He learned pretty quickly that anger was the best alternative to anything else that he may have felt. Anger was better than the fear that struck him when he would awaken in the night after the nightmares of his lost love or his hands and sword covered in Alma’s blood. Anger was better than the grief of losing the only person who had ever meant anything to him. Anger was better than the betrayal that had made its home in his heart when he had learned the truth of his existence. Anger had been better than anything he had felt when his life had been stolen from him. Anger was his only option.

As he grew, he crafted his anger into a masterpiece. He wrapped his anger like a samurai’s armor around his heart. His anger was the shield that kept the suffering away. His anger was a mask for his misery so convincing that even he fell for it most of the time.

But now his anger was the pry bar that held his mouth open, letting every other feeling pour out like a violent rainstorm from the clouds.

Alma found himself, for once, speechless. He wasn’t sure what to say. _It’s okay_ didn’t seem right because, well, it wasn’t. As happy as he was to be at Yu’s side once more, the fact that Yu had slaughtered him, even if it was to save his own life, remained a steadily throbbing thorn in his side.

Kanda continued, ignoring the frown that he had gotten in return. “I fucking killed you so that I could look for _that_ person, when you were that person all along. So not only was killing you the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, it was a fucking dumb one at that.” Kanda shouted as his fists clenched so hard at his sides that he could feel his nails biting into his palms. When Alma didn’t respond, he realized how idiotic he must look and his face flushed against his will in response. “Don’t just stare at me like a fucking idiot. Say something! Tell me how much you hate me for what I did!”

Alma couldn’t find words, not yet at least. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the other once more and pulled him tight against him, ignoring the thrashing resistance he was being met with. He refused to let go. “I could never hate you, Yu.” He whispered.

Kanda’s struggling stopped and his body froze where it rested against Alma. His eyes widened in genuine shock. Of course Alma hated him. Shit, upon being reawoken, his only goal had been to kill Kanda. 

But since coming back in Mater, he hadn’t attacked Kanda once, Kanda realized, his brows furrowed together as he tried to piece together what exactly that meant.

“I hate the Order. I hate what they did to us. I hate what they did to _them_. I hate what you did to me. I hate the way I took so many lives. But never you.” Alma murmured, and Kanda felt his wet tears hit the top of his own head.

Kanda took a deep breath in an attempt to steady himself. Alma’s words were what he needed to hear.

Kanda shoved the other away from him and sneered then. “Stop crying.” He muttered as he crossed his arms over his chest.

 _There he is._ Alma thought fondly. While it was certainly nice to see a vulnerable side to Yu that he guessed nobody else had seen before, it left him unsettled. It was ironic; he had spent the little time he had had with Yu after their births trying to get him to be friends, to open up. Now that he was finally getting a peek at Yu’s heart, it made him nervous. He knew it was because he was so used to Yu being a grouch, but it didn’t make it less ironic.

“We need to keep moving.” Kanda said suddenly, trying to break the pregnant silence that loomed over them while Alma was just watching him with that dumb grin.

“Sure thing!” Alma said, Yu’s words breaking him from his reverie.


	4. Shooting Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alma sees a shooting star and asked Kanda about something he witnessed when they were children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I've been trying to post a chapter every Thursday so I'm early but this idea hit me and it was too cute to not write immediately! This chapter is short but incredibly fluffy!

_s h o o t i n g ❀ s t a r s_

  
They were camped out for the night in an open field. Alma had wanted to go to an Inn for the night, but Kanda had reminded him that the only money that they had was what had been given to them by the old woman. They needed to save it until they figured out a way to get more, if they wanted to eat, that was.

Kanda had used some of the money to purchase sleeping bags. They each had their own, though, thanks to Alma, they were still practically right on top of each other.

“Woah!” Kanda caught the movement in the sky that had Alma exclaiming. “What was that? Did you see that, Yu?”

“Quiet your voice.” Kanda muttered, but eventually nodded. “It was a shooting star.”

“A _shooting_ star?” Alma parroted.

“Yes.” Kanda racked his brain trying to remember how his General had once explained it to him. “It’s technically the dust or something from a meteor, but it looks like a star.”

“Wow.” Alma said so seriously that Kanda almost laughed.

Several silent moments passed and Kanda was staring blankly at the sky when Alma spoke again. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Kanda’s head snapped to the side to glare at Alma with narrowed eyes. “What are you going on about?”

Alma shrugged, not bothering to look over at Kanda. “I was just thinking about all the stuff I’ve missed. I remember one time I caught Chief Tui and Doctor Edgar kissing each other. They said that it was something that people who love each do. But I’d have to wait until I was older to kiss anybody like _that_. And I was thinking, like, now I am older. And I love you. So we should kiss, right?”

Kanda’s face went beet red at Alma’s suggestion. But he only sighed when he realized that, of course, Alma wouldn’t understand the implications of what he was saying. He hadn’t lived long enough for Edgar or Tui to have the birds and the bees talk with him like Tiedoll had with him. It had been an awful conversation, not one he had been interested in at all. And it ended with Kanda chasing Tiedoll with Mugen brandished before Marie had grabbed him and held him back.

He only prayed to God that he could end this conversation before he had to give Alma the talk.

He didn’t have time to think about it any further before Alma had rolled over and settled himself so that his face loomed over Kanda’s, dangerously close.

“So, you didn’t answer my question: have you kissed anybody before?”

Kanda felt his face flush more, which he hadn’t thought was even possible at this point. “No.” He answered curtly. Sure, Gigi had gotten hopelessly drunk and had kissed him, but Alma had asked if _he_ had ever kissed anybody, not if he had been kissed before. By that logic, he figured that was a reasonable enough excuse to not mention that whole ordeal.

“Why not?” Alma’s blue eyes were intense on his, and it made his heart hammer in his chest.

“I’ve never wanted to.” Kanda said stubbornly as he crossed his arms tight over his chest.

“What about me?”

“Especially not you.” Kanda sneered and the words were out before he could stop them. He saw Alma visibly deflate like a balloon somebody had stabbed a needle into.

“You don’t have to be such a jerk about it, Yu.” Alma muttered before he rolled back over onto his side so that his back faced Kanda.

“Alma, I didn’t meanー”

“I’m going to bed. Good night, Yu.” Kanda could hear the thickness in Alma’s voice and knew that he was crying. God dammit.

Kanda had absolutely no idea what he was doing or even why he was doing it. But as if he were possessed by some force he couldn’t identify, he rolled onto his side to face Alma and snaked an arm out of his sleeping bag and grabbed roughly at the other’s shoulder and rolled him so that they could face one another. Before Alma could protest Kanda pressed his lips into Alma’s.

Alma’s eyes widened in surprise before they instinctively fluttered closed. He had no idea what he was doing either, but his body seemed to respond to his own volition.

The kiss, like their first time seeing the blue sky, felt familiar. Neither knew what they were doing, but some memory that was fuzzy and grainy seemed to guide them. Kanda placed a gentle hand on the side of Alma’s face as their lips moved in tandem.

Kanda pulled back first and when he opened his eyes, he found that Alma’s cheeks had gone rosy, and between that and the kiss itself, he felt hot and his lower abdomen felt warm in a way he had never experienced before. “There, now go to sleep, idiot.” Kanda blinked when he realized how raspy his voice sounded. He grumbled to himself as he rolled onto his other side and away from Alma to prepare for a very sleepless night.

Behind him, Alma brought a shaking hand to graze his own lips with his fingertips, weirdly delighted and warm with how warm and wet and tingly his lips were now.

 **NOTE:** Since I’m feeling fluffy, here’s a quick doodle I made in honor of this fic

https://imgur.com/QAKvPmx 


	5. Faeries & Clowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allen's actions start to gnaw at Kanda. Kanda and Alma fight. Kanda and Alma love.

_f a e r i e s ❀ c l o w n s_

  
With a fisted hand, Kanda held the collar of his jacket closed at his throat as the storm raged on around them, his ponytail like a whip flying back and forth as wind and rain hit him violently from every direction.

Being out in this weather was plain stupid.

But Alma loved it and had whined and pleaded until Kanda agreed to take him out to the western coast of Ireland to see the ashen sea rage with a storm.

"Do you hear that, Yu?" Alma shouted over the roar of the wind, seemingly unaware of the storm surrounding him.

"All I hear is this fucking storm!" Kanda called back. Despite being right next to each other, the squall was so loud that they had to yell to even have a chance of hearing the other.

"No!" Alma shouted back as he lifted his face towards the relentless sky and let his eyes flutter shut. "I can hear the faeries!" His smile was serene and Kanda wanted to fucking clobber him for making him stand in one of the most intense storms he had ever experienced all so he could try to hear mythical sprites sing.

They hadn’t been in Ireland for more than a few hours before Alma had been enamored by a street artists’ painting of faeries. At his inquisition, the artistーa woman who introduced herself as Johannaーhad gone through several lores of the faeries that found home in Ireland and would sing beautiful tragedies. 

Kanda remembered General Tiedoll describing to him how beautiful Ireland was. The rolling hills, the ruins, the mysticism, the coast, the lilting accents of its inhabitants; but right now, he was failing to see any of it. 

Not until a bolt of lightning managed to strike just right. The light from it, for a split second, gave a strange white glow to Alma’s face with his dumb serene smile and it made Kanda’s heart skip a beat. 

When Alma had finally decided that he had seen and heard enough, the pair traveled back to the closest village and settled into a pub for dinner.

Alma dug into his stew while Kanda only picked at his. Kanda’s brows were knit together and his shoulders were rigid. Alma had also noticed that his partner always seemed to grow tense in crowds of people. This pub was packed and it was noisy with people and families and drink and food and laughter and conversation and dance. 

“What are you staring at?” He shook his head at Kanda’s words and blinked. 

He leaned forward, keeping his voice as low as the volume of the noise around them would let him. “What is your problem? Every time we go anywhere, you’re so tense.”

Kanda scowled at that. “Idiot, I’ve explained this before. Any one of these people could be an akuma, waiting to strike.” It had amazed Kanda that they had journeyed this far and had not run into a single akuma. It was making him paranoid, he knew, but he couldn’t seem to stop it. Since Alma’s death, there practically wasn’t a single day that Mugen wasn’t nestled comfortably into his hip. The sword had practically become another appendage. He wanted nothing to do with the Order or Innocence or the Noah or the Earl or Akuma, nothing at all to do with the Holy War; but relinquishing Mugen had felt like hacking his own arm off.

And for that matter, something else had been gnawing at him. As badly as he wanted to just forget the Order and move on with his life, Kanda found himself struggling with it. Not because he wanted to go back, no, that was an easy one. But the moyashi...he was in debt to the moyashi and couldn’t repay him without going back to the Order.

He may have buried his feelings as deep down inside as he had been able to, but he had never gotten over what he had done to Alma. And when he had been faced with the truth of Alma being alive, everything that he had buried had come out so quickly and fiercely that he had gone psychotic with his pent up self-hatred that he had tried to kill him again.

But the moyashi had stopped him.

The moyashi had given him Alma back.

And what had he done to repay him? Awaken the 14th and, while he had no idea where Allen was now or what was going on with him, presumably made everything much more difficult for him.

The moyashi was absolutely an annoying glutton that was going to get himself killed with his savior complex and Kanda hated him absolutely for all of those faults. 

But Allen had given him Alma back.

Whether or not he liked the brat, he owed him.

As if God was laughing in his face then, Alma lit up. “Yu, look!” He exclaimed as he pointed out the window next to them.

Kanda looked up and found the few left in the pub were also staring out the window. 

A street performer. 

He didn’t hear Alma’s questions as blood pounded in his ears. His body, which had seemingly gone into autopilot, stood and hurried outside to push its way through the thicket of bodies to get a better look.

A clown, balancing precariously on a large ball and doing some sort of dance.

When the clown spun around, Kanda finally caught a glimpse at his face. Even under the heavy stage makeup, he could see that it was a complete stranger. It wasn’t the moyashi. Kanda breathed a sigh of relief and blinked when he realized that he had been holding his breath the entire time.

Fucking moyashi. The brat wasn’t even there and he was still managing to be a deep thorn in Kanda’s side.

Alma’s brows were raised when Kanda rejoined him at the table and silently began to eat his stew and sip at his beer.

“Moyashi.” Kanda muttered when Alma’s stare and raised brow became too annoying for him to eat without distraction. When Alma did no more than parrot the word, Kanda sighed and then reached for his beer, polishing the drink off and slamming the mug onto the table. “Allen. The kid at the North American Branch. The short one.”

“Oh.” Alma frowned then. “The Noah.”

“Yeah.” Was all Kanda could think to say. He wasn’t sure how to explain any of it to Alma. What he felt was pretty clear in his head, but he couldn’t find the words to let Alma in on any of it.

“Was he a friend of yours?” Alma asked and then squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. He had asked Allen that question when he had been trying to kill Yu.

Kanda shook his head. “Not at all.”

“Then why did he help us?” Alma’s eyes widened, though Kanda couldn’t tell if it was with shock or confusion or both.

Kanda shrugged his shoulders and frowned when he felt a familiar throbbing in his temples. He just wanted to go to sleep for the night and forget about the whole thing.

“No, Yu. Tell me! Why did he do all of that?” Alma’s hands were shaking now and he settled on clenching them in his lap. “He was so determined to stop us.” He felt his eyes watering and did his best to blink away the tears. He didn’t know Allen, not like Yu did, but from the little time they were able to interact, he had found Allen to be a kind, nice boy. He felt pity for him knowing that he was a Noah. But he had absolutely no idea what the kid’s motive was to help them the way that he had.

“I don’t know!” Kanda growled and slammed his fist against the tabletop, ignoring the way that heads turned in his direction. “He just did stupid shit like that all the time!”

“Was it stupid?” Alma whispered then, not taking his eyes off of Yu’s for even a second.

“Alma, no, that’s notー”

“If it was so stupid, then why bother staying with me?” Alma sneered as he let the tears fall freely from his eyes now. He stood suddenly and turned quickly on his heel and stormed out.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Kanda rubbed at his temples for a moment before getting up to chase after Alma. 

He was able to catch up to Alma pretty quickly, grabbing him harshly by the arm and whipping him around so they could face each other. Rain was just starting to sprinkle on both of their heads as he glared at the other. “Stop being such an idiot!” He growled, his grip on Alma’s arm tightening.

“Don’t be such a jerk, Yu!” Alma growled right back and the heat from his eyes was almost stifling. 

“Then stop acting like such a _baby_.” Kanda countered before finally letting go of Alma, only to pinch the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

Alma used his new found freedom to shove Yu in the chest with the flats of both of his hands.

Kanda immediately bared his teeth and reflexively reached a hand to his hip. When his hand met nothing but his hip bone because he didn’t _have a fucking sword anymore_ , he growled like a wild animal and shoved Alma back.

It didn’t take long before the two were rolling on the ground and sending each other flying. The few civilians who hadn’t taken cover from the now pouring rain did their best to avoid the two grown men that were wrestling and swearing like overly-strong children.

Alma landed a hard enough punch to Yu’s jaw that left Kanda to spit out two teeth and a whole mess of blood. With a roar, Yu grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed his body into the brick wall of the nearest building. He saw Alma’s hands move but luckily he was quick enough to avoid the punch or shove coming his way and snared the other by the wrists and pinned them above his head. “Stop fucking hitting me you fuckingー”

An audible huff of air was knocked out of his lungs when Alma’s knee had connected right between his legs. 

He had forgotten how tenacious Alma could really be when he was upset enough.

He dropped his grip on Alma as he sunk to his knees, his hands going to cup himself as a slew of what was likely every curse word to have ever existed spilled from his mouth.

Out of all of his fights, his battles, even his sparring matches, he had never actually been hit there, that hard, before. It really fucking hurt.

“Go fuck yourself, Yu.” Alma muttered while the ex-Exorcist was blinking back tears. “I’ll leave you alone now, since you’d obviously like that better anyways.”

Just as Alma went to walk past him, Kanda forced himself to take a deep breath so that he could shoot his hand out and grab the other by the pant leg. “Shut the fuck up.” He muttered before using his grip on Alma’s pants to pull himself back up. The pain remained intense and throbbing but was slowly becoming more manageable. Once standing, he kept his eyes locked on Alma’s.

Suddenly, just staring into eyes the color of a summer’s sky, Kanda’s ears began to buzz. Was it because of the various head injuries he had just gotten? He wasn’t sure. 

More so, he wasn’t sure why he found himself leaning in towards Alma until his lips caught the other’s. When he felt Alma’s body go rigid, he reached his hands up to gently cup his face, Alma’s skin slick with rain but smooth against his fingertips.

By the same invisible force that had been present for their first and last kiss, Alma felt himself open up. He brought his hands to rest on Yu’s biceps, surprised to find how much he enjoyed the feel of the taut muscles of his arms. He knew that Kanda’s build was very similar to his own, so he wasn’t sure what he found himself so interested in, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from grazing his fingertips up and down Yu’s arms.

Kanda felt himself shiver at the touch and on blind instinct alone, nipped at Alma’s full bottom lip. Something zipped up his spine at the sound of the other’s gasp, and he couldn’t stop himself from pushing his tongue into Alma’s mouth. 

Alma’s tongue joined Yu’s in a shy, explorative dance.

Kanda was only vaguely aware when he moaned into the kiss, his pants suddenly growing tight. _Oh._ His brows furrowed at the feeling. It was certainly not his first erection; despite being an artificial human, his body still had very human needs that he was forced to deal with every so often. This was, however, the first time he had gotten an erection because of another person.

Perhaps that was why his body moved of its own will to push Alma back into the alley and press him into the wall. Alma moaned and arched his back, pressing himself into Yu, and reaching his hands up to tangle themselves into the wet tresses that spilled down the other’s back from its low tail.

Alma let out a strangled whimper and Kanda pulled back immediately. There was no way that Alma would understand what was happening. Fuck, _he_ barely understood what was happening.

He let go of Alma’s arms, letting his own hang at his side as he rested his forehead against the other’s. “Sorry.” He muttered, refusing to meet the other’s heavy-lidded gaze.

“Yu,” Alma smiled. Yu caught a glimpse of it and saw that it was that serene smile he had worn when they had been at the coast earlier that evening. “I heard the faeries.”

Something bubbled up in Kanda’s chest, something else that he wasn’t familiar withーas it seemed it was a day for _him_ to continuously discover new things the way Alma had done over the past few weeksーand before he could stop it, the deep rumble was spilling from his lips.

Alma just watched him, the smile never leaving his face, as he laughed. It was the first time he had heard Yu laugh since they were children. Somewhere in the recesses of his brain, he wondered if this was the first time his friend had laughed since then, as he also managed to look confused while he laughed.

“Alma,” Kanda murmured as his laughs began to die down. He placed a chaste kiss to Alma’s lips before pulling back and trying to maintain as straight a face as possible. “You really are an idiot. But I don’t want you leaving. I never did.” At the admission, he felt his face start to warm again.

Alma grabbed him suddenly and pulled the other against him in a tight embrace. “Let’s go back to the Inn.”

“Okay.” Kanda agreed. He didn’t resist when Alma grabbed his hand and laced his fingers through his own. “We probably need to talk.” He admitted as they began to walk.

He hadn’t wanted to explain the birds and the bees to Alma, but he was beginning to think he didn’t have much choice in the matter.

God dammit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter, so I hope that it’s ok?? I really need to incorporate Allen into this somehow, since Kanda wanted to repay Allen is a really big part of his character development, I just haven’t figured out exactly how I’m going to do that.


	6. Allies & Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda has FRIENDS and also doesn't know how to not fight, even if he doesn't have Mugen. Alma has no clue what's going on, but we all know that he isn't going to leave Kanda's side, EVER.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skipped posting last week because I literally just forgot to. I suck >.< I hope this chapter makes up for the extra wait!!

_a l l i e s ❀ h u r t_

  
It was a close call...too close. It left Kanda's nerves frayed and head throbbing. It had left Alma wide-eyed and, for the first time in a long time, very afraid.

They had been in Scotland. Kanda was trying to find an inn but Alma had been distracted by a local vendor's artwork when it finally happened. Since the very second they left Mater, Kanda had been waiting for it. But now that the moment had finally presented itself, he hadn't been ready for it.

The artist's body had ripped open with a disgustingly wet sound that had everybody in the area screaming and running before the large, metallic, cannon-covered and masked monster had ascended from it. 

Alma had run away.

Kanda had instinctively ran towards it. 

By the time he remembered that he had no weapon to fight against an akuma with, it had been too late. He had been shot. Something as minor as one shot would have never been a problem. But his healing was noticeably slower and he had no way to defend himself. 

Alma was charging back, also seemingly unaware of the danger he was placing himself in, to grab Kanda.

Their only solution was to run and hide, just like the rest of the civilians. It was a solution that left Kanda feeling useless and therefore, furious. Not once in his life had he ever had to run from a fight. Despite Alma’s yelling and yanking on his arm and attempts to flee, Kanda had frantically begun to search out something, _anything_ , that he could use as a weapon. His search had come up empty.

But that hadn't been the worst of it.

Kanda’s body froze and Alma’s screams had stopped just as suddenly when they heard a familiar voice yelling "Waltz! Misty Wind!" which was quickly followed by a tornado connecting with the akuma and sending it back flying.

For the first time that Alma could recall, Kanda’s eyes had gone wide with the realization. When he tried to ask what was happening, his partner only mumbled, "It's Lenalee."

"The Order is here?" Alma’s voice had gone up in pitch with his alarm. 

Kanda didn't think twice before grabbing Alma’s hand and yanking him into a nearby alleyway.

"Kanda, do you hear music?" Alma strained his head towards the edge of the alley, trying to hear it better.

Kanda had heard it. He instinctively stretched his arm out across Alma’s chest, pressing him back into the wall behind them protectively. "Marie's with her." He murmured. And then, as if the mess hadn't been enough of a shock to him yet, he felt a deep sadness wash over him, tugging his lips into a frown. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that was making him sad, not with so many thoughts running through his head at once. He was stuck watching his former teammates battle from the sidelines. There was a strange hollowness in his chest remembering the way that Marie would softly pluck at the strings on his fingers to lull Kanda to sleep when he was young and too weary to go out on his own or the way that Lenalee would hide in his room when she was young and still so afraid.

"Marie." Alma repeated and then frowned. He recognized the name. Kanda hadn't spoken much of the life he lived in between both of Alma’s deaths, but he had spoken enough for Alma to know that Marie had been the hulk of a man that Kanda had been carrying when he had massacred all of those who had been overseeing the Second Exorcist program as well as an eventual teammate, one that Kanda didn't seem to completely hate. Lenalee was another Exorcist he had first met when he had gotten to Central and like Marie, he didn’t seem to hate her.

"Yeah, we have to find a way out of here, and fast." He could feel Alma shaking against his arm. “It won’t be long until this place is swarming with akuma.”

“How do you know that?”

“That’s a level one. There’s no chance that just one level one would show up.” He explained. He grabbed Alma’s hand and began to run down the alley, hoping to be able to vanish somewhere behind the buildings.

Unfortunately for the pair, Kanda had been all too right. By the time that he heard the giggling, it was too late. A level four akuma dropped from the sky and landed in front of them and tilted its head to the side, its eyes watching them curiously. 

Kanda stepped in front of Alma; he had absolutely no plan now. Despite his streak of arrogance, he wasn’t a complete dolt; he knew that they had zero chance of surviving a fight against the Earl’s monster. 

Not without Innocence.

“Yu, you’re not stronger than me.” Alma grit his teeth and stepped to the side so he could stand next to Kanda. While he felt the same hopelessness that Kanda felt, under no circumstances was he going to let Kanda die for him. If they were going to die, they would do so as equals.

This was it. They were going to die. Kanda didn’t notice when his hand reached out to hold Alma’s. Finally, after two short lives, it was all over.

But suddenly, something green and black whizzed through the air before coming down onto the akuma’s head. _Lenalee._ Kanda watched in horror as she landed with one boot plowing into the akuma.

“Kanda?” Lenalee’s voice was filled with disbelief and he could see the tears springing into her eyes. But neither had time to continue the conversation when the akuma swung for her. Marie appeared then and the two battled the akuma, not taking very long before they killed it.

“Kanda?” Marie said then, fingers pressing into his headphones as if he couldn’t believe that he could hear Kanda before him.

“Marie.” Kanda said then, not sure what else to say.

“You’re alive?” He could see the tears spilling down Lenalee’s cheeks. “And is this…?” Her question trailed off and she stared at Alma, wide-eyed. 

Alma waved awkwardly and tried to smile. Lenalee, Alma, and Kanda all caught the way that Marie’s body tensed at Lenalee’s question. 

Lenalee was thrilled to find them alive and together. She hadn’t met Alma, but she had been told what had happened at the North American branch. She had presumed both of them dead. But instead, they were alive and together. That tugged at her heart. Kanda deserved that happiness and she hadn’t thought he would ever get it. But Marie? He was happy to see them alive and well but was mildly wary of Alma. They had only met once and it had been when Alma had massacred so many people and had even tried to kill him. After hearing about what happened at the North American branch, he understood it, and he held no grudge towards the young man, but he was still a little nervous.

Lenalee led them back into the alleyway and Kanda’s legs felt numb as he followed behind her.

“You’re presumed to be dead.” She said suddenly, but he could hear the quiver in her voice that said, _I thought you were dead_.

“I thought we would be.” He said it flatly because while that was certainly true, he wasn’t sure what else to say. 

Alma stepped in front of him then, brows furrowed in determination. “You’re not going to take him back, are you?” His voice shook but Kanda knew that Alma was serious. 

“I….no.” Lenalee said then and Marie rested a hand on her shoulder, nodding to the pair in agreement.

Kanda sighed then, relieved. He didn’t want to have to run from them immediately. It was strange. Had he...missed them? Aside from Alma, he had never cared about anybody enough to miss them. So he had thought, at least. But he supposed that that did explain the way that his chest seemed to ache whenever he told Alma stories that involved either of the Exorcists.

“You’ve gotten ugly.” He blurted out as he turned to walk away then, knowing that they would follow. He wanted to leave the alley and he figured that the Inn would be a suitable place for them all to talk.

“What?” Lenalee spit out. Alma watched in confused amusement as Marie grabbed the girl to hold her back. “Stop right there, Kanda!”

“Your face is swollen. I bet you’ve been feeling down and crying again, right?”

He kept walking and ignored the way that Alma, who was walking next to him, was staring at him wide-eyed. Kanda was very aware of Lenalee yelling behind him and Marie struggling to hold her back.

Alma was in complete shock. Had Yu just...joked? Lenalee was very obviously a pretty girl, and while he knew that Yu tended to be oblivious about those sorts of things, he had a very tiny smirk and almost a playful twinkle gleaming in his eyes. He snickered at the realization. Wow, he really had missed a lot.

When they made it back to the Inn, they all sat in the small room, Lenalee with her cheeks puffed and arms crossed over her chest as she glared at Kanda on the bed next to Marie, and Kanda and Alma together on the couch.

“He was only joking.” Marie tried, to no avail, to calm Lenalee down.

“I haven’t seen you in months and that’s all you had to say to me?” Lenalee slammed her fist onto the table and if Alma didn’t know better, he thought she might spring over it to attack Yu. He watched her intently, ready to intervene if necessary. Maybe she had been a friend of Yu’s, but if anybody thought that they would hurt Yu, Alma would do whatever was necessary to protect him. 

“Shut up.” Kanda rolled his eyes and leaned back comfortably in his chair. “What happened after I...we left?”

Lenalee sighed and shook her head and Alma relaxed, just the slightest bit. She and Marie began to walk the pair through the months at the Order that followed Alma’s awakening. Alma didn’t understand most of it as he didn’t know most of the people there or how the Order really worked at all, but he listened carefully as it all seemed to be of great importance.

“I’ll always be an Exorcist?” Kanda shook his head and bit back a chuckle. “Sounds exactly like something he’d say. So he’s missing now?”

Lenalee frowned as she nodded. “He’s considered an enemy now.” Her voice shook as she said it and Alma could see that she was fighting back tears. 

“I’ll find him then.” Everybody’s heads snapped to look at Kanda, all eyes wide and incredulous.

“Why?”

He shrugged. “I owe him, and me looking for him makes the most sense. The Order thinks I’m dead. If either of you try to help him, the Order will go after you as well.”

Nobody said anything for a few moments while they digested it. Alma understood why this was important to Yu and silently agreed to help him as much as he could to find Allen Walker and repay him. Lenalee and Marie were both surprised; Kanda hated Allen. Despite the fact that both of them were the closest people to Kanda in the Order, it still came as a surprise that he felt indebted to Allen. They knew that deep down, very, very, very deep down, Kanda was a good person. But it still came as a surprise. Marie knew what had happened to Alma and Kanda as children. For Lenalee, she had only heard of it. But neither had realized how deeply Kanda’s love for Alma went until now.

“I just need to figure out where to start.” Kanda said as he stared at the table. In truth, he had absolutely no idea how he was supposed to find the damned beansprout.

“Johnny!” Lenalee lit up then but caught the confused looks from both Alma and Kanda. “He’s been talking about leaving because his family needs him, but Marie and I are both pretty sure that he actually just wants to go look for Allen.”

“So we wait for Johnny to leave and follow him?” Kanda cocked his head to the side as he thought it over. “That could work. But now,” Kanda rested his elbow onto the arm of the couch and lazily rested his cheek in his open palm. His eyes narrowed at the two Exorcists. “Don’t you two have to report finding Alma and I?”

Alma tensed at that and held his breath. If he had to kill them, he would. No matter how much Yu protested; protecting Yu was the only thing that really mattered.

“I never saw you.” Marie said softly.

“Of course you didn’t, Marie, you’re fucking blー”

“No, and I think Lenalee’s in agreement with me, but we never saw you. We killed the akuma and that was it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.”

Both Kanda and Alma blinked. Kanda wasn’t very surprised with Marie for the decision; he carried out his duties as an Exorcist because it was his job but Kanda knew he was sick of it and had been for quite some time. Lenalee on the other hand surprised him. He knew how important he was to her, but he couldn’t see her lying to the Order like that.

“I chose the Order over Allen.” Lenalee started, apparently having read Kanda’s thoughts. “I can’t do that to you too.” She shook her head and stared at her hands in her lap.

“Thank you.” Kanda nodded.

“Thank you!” Alma shouted as he lunged forward to grab both Marie and Lenalee into an embrace.

Kanda hadn’t been surprised by the action; Alma was always quite loud and affectionate. But Marie and Lenalee both seemed shocked before they relaxed and returned the hug, albeit a little awkwardly.

When night came, the Exorcists had to part ways with the pair. Marie shook Alma’s hand and ruffled Kanda’s hair and ignored the swearing he got in return. Lenalee hugged both of them as tightly as she could, promising to help them as much as she could.

When they left, Kanda found Alma to be unnervingly quiet. All it took was a raise of Kanda’s brow before Alma was talking.

“I just can’t stop wondering how different things would be if you didn’t….” He trailed off as he looked to Yu with tears glittering in his eyes. “I think Lenalee and I would have been good friends. She seemed so nice. And Marie would have been like a big brother.”

Kanda had been about to go sit with Alma but froze. Alma’s hurt weighed heavy on him because he knew that had he not slaughtered Alma and had they both lived, Alma would have been good friends with everybody at the Order. Alma was right. It was his fault that that had never happened.

Alma shook his head and smiled ruefully. “That’s no matter. I’m just glad you have friends like them. Jealous, but glad for you.” _You needed friends like that to watch over you all this time_. He didn’t say it aloud. But no matter how he felt about what had happened when they were kids, he knew that Yu needed friends to break down his tough exterior and care for him, the way he had tried to when Yu was born. He was happy that it was Lenalee and Marie as he really did like them.

Kanda had never liked physical affection, but as the weeks spread on with Alma, it was becoming easier to get used to it. He sat down next to Alma and wrapped an arm lazily over his shoulders and pulled the other against him.

“Do you want to go with me after the moyashi?” He asked then, keeping his voice soft. 

Alma’s hand had gone around Yu’s waist as he snuggled his head into the crook of his shoulder. “Obviously.”

“I don’t mean do you want to stay with me.” Kanda rolled his eyes. “I meant do you want to look for the moyashi?”

“Yu.” Alma nearly whispered his name and Yu had to turn his head to peer down at Alma with a quirked brow. “I owe him too.”

“Okay. We’ll leave tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally figured out how to incorporate Kanda repaying Allen into this! Yay!! I also have a really bad habit of not coming up with outlines or any plans with stories; I just like to make it up as I go. This chapter, however, gave me a really good sense of where the story is going to go. I hope you guys like it! As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated~


	7. Desire & Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanda and Alma begin their journey to find Allen Walker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back from my unannounced/unplanned hiatus! I apologize that this chapter took so long to post; my life has been really hectic lately. I hope it's worth the wait! Also, this chapter is rated M for some light smut. I’ve realized this story doesn’t actually need smut, but since I have zero impulse control, IT’S GETTING IT

_d e s i r e ❀ j o u r n e y_

  
Kanda wasn’t sure what had happened or what had overcome the two of them. Maybe it was nerves about the journey they were about to embark on? Maybe it was just a culmination of what had been building between them since reuniting? He didn’t know but couldn’t think straight enough to try to figure it out.

He was lying overtop of Alma, his lips fused to the smooth column of his throat. Alma made some sort of mewling noise that hardened Kanda immediately. 

Alma didn’t know what he was supposed to do, so his hands just wandered and explored. Yu’s skin was so smooth and his body was so hard underneath his palms and fingers and he just wanted to touch _everywhere_.

Kanda’s skin seemed to burn wherever Alma’s fingers grazed and it made his breath come out ragged. His hips instinctively snapped forward before he could stop them, grinding them into Alma’s. His name spilled from Alma’s lips in a breathy moan that shot itself straight into Kanda’s core.

Alma squirmed; he had absolutely no fucking idea what he wanted. After their kiss in the alley, Kanda had explained the basics too him. But he hadn’t expected this foreign desire to overwhelm him so completely. All he knew was that Yu’s lips on his skin sent little jolts of electricity up his spine and Yu grinding into him made stars explode behind his eyelids and that he just wanted more, whatever more entailed. 

But Alma was smart. Smarter than Yu gave him credit for. He figured out then that it felt _really_ good when Yu ground his cock into his own, so by that logic, touching their cocks should feel good, right? Feeling emboldened by the flood of pleasure drowning him, he snaked a hand down in between them and began to palm Yu through his pants.

“Alma!” Kanda gasped his name out as his hips bucked into Alma’s hand. He looked up wide-eyed at the other.

Alma cocked his head to the side and peered down at the other. There was something about seeing Yu Kanda with his face flushed and seeing him panting and gasping his name that made his own hips buck up. “What?” He asked as coy as he could manage, but he couldn’t stop the devilish smile that tugged at his lips.

“You bastard.” Kanda muttered before smashing his lips into Alma’s, their kiss messy and desperate and unbearably hot. Not wanting to be one-upped, he reached his hand in between them and unfastened Alma’s pants with deft fingers before diving his hand in, gripping Alma’s cock with his bare hand. 

A strangled moan escaped Alma’s lips and spilled into the kiss.

Neither lasted much longer before they were yanking each other’s clothing off violently and their kissing turned to biting and their nails were raking into each other’s skins harshly enough to leave red lines in their skin. 

Kanda reached down and wrapped his hands around both of their cocks together, stroking both as they both thrust into each other.

The jolts of pleasure that the action sent through both of their bodies was intoxicating. Alma was practically sobbing the other’s name and even Kanda was struggling to hold back the moans that had been building in the back of his throat. 

Kanda was so close, he could feel that the pressure building in him was ready to explode. He looked into Alma’s eyes then, and found them to be glazed over in ecstasy. “Come.” He murmured it, but his voice still held enough authoritative weight to it that Alma cried out, his hips snapping up into Kanda’s haphazardly. He had no fucking clue what it meant to come, but his body seemed to understand as an orgasm ripped through him so hard that his back arched and pressed his chest tight into Yu’s and stars shot all over the inside of his eyelids.

Kanda came almost immediately after, Alma’s orgasm pushing him over his own ledge. 

Kanda’s arms shook and felt weak, so he forced himself to roll until he landed on his back next to Alma. His chest heaved as he tried to compose himself. 

“Yu.” Alma breathed his name out and when Kanda turned his head to look at Alma, he could see that a goofy grin had spread across his face. 

“What is this?” Alma asked suddenly. But before Kanda could see what he was talking about or stop him, Alma dipped his finger into the substance that they had spilled onto his stomach.

“It’sー” But Kanda was cut off by the sight of Alma sticking said finger into his mouth. “Alma, noー”

Alma’s nose wrinkled and he stuck his tongue out. “Not good.”

Maybe it was the post-orgasmic high. Maybe it was how silly Alma looked right now. But Kanda couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled from his chest then. His arm fell lazily over his eyes as he laughed loudly. “You _idiot_.” He muttered once his laughter died down. He peeked from underneath his arm and saw Alma glaring at him. “What?”

“Like you weren’t curious about it.” He muttered indignantly.

Kanda snorted. “Not even a little.”

“Oh yeah?” Kanda caught the evil smirk but his body had gone too languid for him to move quickly enough to stop Alma.

Alma had dipped his finger in it once more and had rolled over so he was on top of Yu and jammed his finger into Yu’s mouth, ignoring the _don’t you fucking dare_ and _no, that’s fucking disgusting_ he had gotten as he rolled.

Kanda batted at his hand and shoved at him as hard as he could, his nose wrinkling in disgust and spluttering as he choked because their come was bitter and Alma had stuck his finger way too far into Kanda’s mouth.

“I swear to God I’ll fucking kill you.” He barked out as he sat up, his hand reaching up to his throat as he coughed.

“I doubt that.” Alma forced out through his laughter.

“Oh yeah?”

“You already tried twice, unsuccessfully.”

“Iー” Kanda stared at him then, eyes wide. Guilt stabbed into him then until he saw the playful twinkle in Alma’s eyes. Was he seriously making a _joke_ about _that_? “Third time’s the fucking charm.” He muttered as he forced himself off of the bed and stormed into the bathroom to shower, ignoring Alma’s snickers from behind him.

❀❀❀

Neither spoke of the night prior as they packed their belongings into their bags and headed out to leave. They had a long journey ahead of them. Once they began walking, Kanda explained their plan.

“I have no idea where the moyashi would go. If Johnny is going after him, he probably has some idea where to look.” Kanda started. When Alma grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together, he raised a brow at the other but only received a shrug as a response. But he made no move to let go of Alma’s hand as he walked. “So we’ll wait by the main gate for Johnny to come out. We’ll have to be careful because we don’t want anybody from the Order to see us.”

“Right.” Alma said, his voice heavy with determination. “Whose Johnny again?

“One of the Science Department members. He was the one who made the uniforms.”

“Oh yeah! Hey, what did yours look like?”

“What did my what look like?”

“Your uniform? Describe it to me!” Alma grinned and kept walking.

Kanda sighed and dragged his free hand through his hair; this happened often. He tried to speak and then Alma got distracted by some small detail he said and would ask him to go way too in depth on something that shouldn’t have mattered.

“We had several. The most recent was black with red trim and gold embellishments. I always had long coats and tall boots. They all had the same basic look, but Johnny customized them to each Exorcist for battle.”

“Hmm.” Alma seemed to be lost in thought for a moment and Kanda relished in his silence. But he didn’t get to enjoy it for long. “I’d want a short coat, I think.”

“What are you going on about?”

“I’m sure you looked awesome in a long coat.” And Alma meant it; he could picture the tight black fabric wrapped around Yu, hugging his body, and he liked that image. “But I’d like a shorter one.”

“You’re not an Exorcist.” Kanda said simply with a snort.

“I know that.” Alma ground out, his eye twitching. He sighed. “I’m just imagining.” He grinned to himself when Kanda only grumbled in response. “So, what’s Johnny like?”

 _You._ The world had almost spilled from Kanda’s lips but he had caught it in the nick of time. “He’s a scientist, I don’t know.” He shrugged. He groaned when he felt Alma’s eyes on him. “He likes to talk and he’s too nice.” He hissed the last word out. “I don’t think he likes me.” Kanda blurted out, surprising both of them.

“Why do you think that?” Alma’s brows furrowed. Yu not being liked wasn’t too much of a surprise. He liked Yu, but he knew that Yu’s abrasive nature hadn’t made him very popular. While their caretakers had loved him, Alma had obviously been the favorite.

“When he was designing my uniform, he asked what else I wanted, and when I told him no extras, he seemed disappointed.” Every single time he had been fitted for a uniform, which had been often when he was young as a result of his rapid growth spurt as well as the impulsiveness he had in battle that usually resulted in his uniforms being destroyed, had always ended with Kanda telling Johnny no and Johnny looking deflated in return. To him it seemed logical. A hood like Allen’s wouldn’t work with his ponytail. And all of Lavi’s random accessories were useless to him. What did Johnny want? For Kanda to ask for a skirt like Lenalee’s? As if!

“So he likes his job. That doesn’t mean he didn’t like you.”

Kanda only shrugged and kept walking.

They had stopped into a shop and gotten outfits to disguise themselves with as Kanda had anticipated that CROW would likely be present as Johnny left, and God only knew who else from the Order. While finding Allen Walker was their goal, staying hidden from the Order would also be a priority. Kanda didn’t even want to imagine what would happen if they were apprehended. They would likely just force him back into Exorcism, but what would they do to Alma? The thought alone filled him with so much rage that he knew that he wouldn’t hesitate to kill for Alma if he had to.

That’s why staying unseen was their best bet.

The pair donned heavy black cloaks with thick hoods that went pulled into the right position, covered and shadowed most of their faces.

It took several days for them to reach the train station closest to the Order’s headquarters. Kanda explained to Alma how they would wait for Johnny to leave and board the train and then they would meet him there.

As he looked to Alma, a faint blush took to his cheeks. That was becoming too regular of a problem for him. Since they had begun to explore each other’s bodies together, he struggled to look at Alma without blushing. Did Alma feel the same? Kanda wondered, but he didn’t notice any awkwardness from Alma’s side. Though, his partner had been noticeably even more physically affectionate than he usually was since it started.

He shook his head in an attempt to clear it. This wasn’t the time nor the place to be thinking about that.

“Is that him?” Alma murmured, snapping Yu from his thoughts.

Kanda looked up. It was. It appeared their timing had been perfect.

They watched from the window as Johnny was approached by CROWs who wanted him to drink some liquid. They watched as Johnny threw a smoke bomb.

“Shit!” Kanda grunted as he headed for the door. “We have to stop them.” He told Alma. 

They both used the smoke bomb as the distraction they needed to surprise the CROW. Between the two of them, they were able to make easy work of the red-cloaked bastards and they did so quickly.

“It’s Kanda...right? And Alma!” Johnny gasped then as the smoke dissipated and he was able to see the two men clearly. Their cloaks had shifted in their fight, revealing enough of their faces.

“Do you know where the beansprout is?” Kanda asked, ignoring the way that tears began to well in Johnny’s eyes.

Alma stayed silent, watching Johnny warily as he went back and forth with Kanda about how he had a plan to find Allen Walker. Kanda explained that yes, the CROW were fine, only beaten to a pulp but not killed and that he and Alma would be accompanying him to find the beansprout. 

As they boarded the train, Johnny couldn’t seem to stop smiling.

“What?” Kanda sneered.

“Both of you are alive. What a relief.” He wiped at the tears in his eyes.

Alma blinked, unsure why that would matter much. He had an automatic distrust for the Order’s scientists, and this man was no different. He grabbed at Yu’s hand, weaving their fingers together on the seat in between them.

Johnny only continued to smile as he explained his plan for finding Allen to the others. But all he could think about was that Kanda and Alma were sitting before him, looking perfectly fit and healthy.

They had survived...thank God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, I need some opinions! I'm thinking I'm going to start time-skipping. I don't want to write about too much of their time with Allen as I have no idea what Hoshino's plans are for Allen and Kanda and Johnny currently and I already know I won't write anything nearly as well lmao. Does that seem okay??


End file.
